I'm W. Austin Gardner. For most of my life, I believed God's love had to be earned.

I didn't say it out loud. I would have denied it if you'd asked. But deep down, I was terrified that if I didn't perform well enough, preach hard enough, serve long enough, sacrifice more, God would be disappointed in me.

That fear drove me for decades. It also nearly destroyed me.

This is the story of how I moved from the exhausting treadmill of spiritual performance to the quiet rest of God's unconditional grace. It's not a story of arrival. It's a story of being found.

The Performance Treadmill

I started ministry at 23. I was full of fire and ambition. I wanted to preach ten times a week. I wanted to start multiple churches, lead a Bible college, and distribute materials across the world. I had big dreams and a bigger work ethic.

But the ministry didn't unfold the way I expected.

I faced deep hurt. Disappointment. Setbacks that left me questioning everything. I kept going because I'd been taught: "Do not doubt in the night what God gave you in the light." That principle became my lifeline.

But it also became my cage.

I believed that if I worked harder, God would be pleased. If I served more, He'd notice. If I sacrificed enough, I'd finally feel loved.

The problem? I never did.

No matter how much I gave, it was never enough. I carried a silent, constant fear that I was failing God. That I wasn't measuring up. That somewhere, somehow, I'd lost His favor.

I didn't become legalistic because I hated grace. I became legalistic because I loved God and was afraid of losing Him.

The Breaking Point

After 28 years of pastoral ministry and 20 years as a church-planting missionary, my body gave out.

First, it was stage-four cancer. Then COVID-19 nearly took my life. I spent months in pain, fighting to breathe, wondering if I'd see another year.

And in the middle of that suffering, something broke inside me.

It wasn't my faith. It was my illusion of control.

I realized I couldn't earn my way into God's presence. I couldn't perform my way into His approval. I was too weak, too broken, too human.

And that's when I heard it.

Not audibly. But deep in my spirit, like a whisper that shattered everything I thought I knew:

"You are loved. Not because of what you do. Because of who I Am."

The Discovery of Grace

The verse that changed everything for me was John 17:23.

John 17:23
> "I in them, and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one; and that the world may know that thou hast sent me, and hast loved them, as thou hast loved me."

Read that again.

God loves you the same way He loves Jesus.

Not less. Not conditionally. Not based on your performance.

The same.

That truth didn't just comfort me. It undid me.

For 50 years, I'd been running on a treadmill, trying to close the gap between me and God's approval. And suddenly, I realized: there was no gap. There had never been.

God wasn't disappointed in me. He wasn't measuring my worth by my consistency. He was holding me. He had been holding me the entire time.

Rest doesn't come after you fix yourself. Rest comes first.

What Changed

When I stopped performing and started receiving, everything shifted.

I didn't stop serving. I didn't stop preaching or writing or mentoring. But the why changed.

I used to serve out of fear: fear that God would withdraw His love if I stopped.

Now I serve out of overflow, because I've been loved first, and loved people become loving people.

I wrote Pain to Praise: Living Beyond Pain, Bitterness, and Regret from that place. It's not a book about pretending pain doesn't exist. It's a book about what happens when you let God meet you in the middle of it.

I started Followed by Mercy, a ministry focused on helping people break free from performance Christianity and step into the freedom of God's unconditional love.

And I committed to telling the truth: You are not behind. You are not being graded. You are being held.

Living From Love

Here's what I know now that I didn't know then:

The Christian life was never meant to be powered by fear, pressure, or performance. It was meant to be lived from being loved first.

You don't have to earn God's favor. You already have it.

You don't have to prove your worth. It's already established.

You don't have to hustle for approval. God is not disappointed in you.

Mercy is not trailing behind you with conditions. It is running toward you with intention.

I spent decades thinking I had to chase God. Now I know the truth: He's been chasing me. And His goodness and mercy aren't following me to catch me: they're following me to sustain me.

If you've been on the treadmill: if you're tired of performing and pretending: I want you to know something:

You can step off.

God's not going anywhere. He's not waiting for you to get it right. He's waiting for you to rest.

You can read more about my story and the journey that brought me here on The Official Biography of W. Austin Gardner. And if you're looking for resources to help you move from performance to peace, visit my Amazon Author Page.

If you’d like the full context of my journey from performance to grace, read My Story.

This journey isn't about perfection. It's about being loved. And that changes everything.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do I know if I'm living in performance-based Christianity?

If you feel constant pressure to do more to earn God's approval, or if rest makes you feel guilty, you're likely stuck in performance mode. The Christian life is meant to be lived from love, not for love.

Can I still serve God if I'm not performing?

Absolutely. Serving from rest is healthier and more sustainable than serving from fear. When you know you're already loved, your service becomes an overflow of gratitude instead of a desperate attempt to earn favor.

What's the first step toward grace-centered living?

Start by believing what God says about you in John 17:23: that He loves you the same way He loves Jesus. Let that truth settle in your heart. Then ask yourself: What would change if I really believed that?

Ready to go deeper? Listen to the Followed by Mercy podcast for more encouragement on living from God's unconditional love. And don't miss The Big Leap of Faith: Believing God Loves You Exactly as You Are( it's the foundational message that changed my life.)